Leadership: Is It Lonely At The Top?

Most of us have heard people say things like “it’s lonely at the top” or “the leader’s role is a lonely one”.  But people rarely question this conventional wisdom.  Yet  from my experience as an executive coach I believe it’s an idea we should question.

So is it really lonely at the top?  No, I don’t think it is.  In my view, the leader doesn’t have to be lonely.

Loneliness versus Aloneness

About 15 years ago, when I was a managing director, someone said to me, “Of course, it’s lonely being MD isn’t it?”  I replied, “No, it’s not. Sometimes it’s true, I do feel alone in my responsibilities, but I never feel lonely.”

Let me explain why I said that…

The Leader’s Unique Responsibility

In chapter 1 of The Three Levels of Leadership I pointed out that there’s a difference between “leadership” and the role of “leader”.

I described “leadership” as a process of paying attention to four dimensions simultaneously:

• Motivating Purpose: agreeing a purpose or vision or goal that everyone in the group cares about and wants to achieve.
• Task, Progress & Results: paying attention to the steps needed to making the motivating purpose happen (planning, solving problems, following up, delegating responsibilities and so on).
• Group Unity: making sure everyone feels a sense of togetherness, a team spirit, where they are ready to subordinate their selfish interests for the sake of the group’s goal.
• Individuals: recognising that although no individual is more important than the group, every group comprises individuals and they differ in their confidence, motivation and ability to do their jobs.  So the fourth part of leadership is paying attention to individuals to make sure they feel included, recognised, ready, able and eager to play their part.

I made the point too that leadership is shared in every successful group or organisation.  In other words, members of every successful group each contribute to the behaviours needed to achieve the common purpose.  For example, think of a football team, where several players will usually play their part in scoring a goal.

Now this of course raises the question: if leadership is shared, what’s the leader’s purpose?  My answer was that the purpose of the leader is to make sure there is leadership.  In other words, to make sure all four dimensions of leadership are being addressed.

Thus, the leader can ask colleagues to take the lead on certain challenges facing the group if they are better qualified to lead in those circumstances, but he or she cannot delegate the responsibility to make sure there is leadership.

This, in my view, is where the buck stops with the leader.  It’s where the leader has a unique responsibility and, therefore, may occasionally feel alone.

But this doesn’t mean the leader has to feel lonely.  As leaders we may sometimes feel alone in our unique responsibility, but that doesn’t mean we have to feel isolated from our colleagues.

In my view, this difference between a leader sometimes feeling alone and feeling lonely is like the difference between pain and suffering.

Pain versus Suffering

You see, it’s possible for us to have a pain in our body without experiencing it as suffering.

That’s because suffering is the mental and emotional evaluation we place on the physical experience of pain.  In other words, it’s the meaning we give to it.

My point is that whereas pain is something produced by the body, suffering is a psychological overlay created by us.

So it doesn’t automatically follow that if we experience pain, we’ll feel we’re suffering.  It might follow, but it doesn’t automatically follow.

So What?

As an executive coach, if a Managing Director or CEO client says, “My leadership role is lonely”, my ears prick up.

That’s often when I help the client surface, question and let go of the limiting beliefs causing them to experience loneliness rather than the occasional aloneness that can come with holding the unique responsibility of being the overall leader.

When we work on these limiting beliefs, clients don’t just become more resilient, they can feel more connected with those around them and enjoy their job more.