Influence versus Manipulation

This is a short case study on how an unhelpful, fuzzy mental model can block leaders from asserting themselves wisely and skilfully.  In this instance, it concerned what the client felt about “influence” and “manipulation”.

The CEO’s Initial Problem

Last year, an executive coaching client, a CEO, complained that her direct reports (and others) deluged her with data, often copying her in on emails, memos and reports she felt she didn’t need to know about.  This left her feeling “overloaded” (her word).

However, as we talked, she realised that for years she’d sent out the classic senior manager’s message: “I don’t want surprises.”  So guess what.  She didn’t get surprises.  Everyone was determined to tell her the fine detail so they couldn’t be accused of surprising her.  After all, they could always claim, “But I told you; it was in the email I sent.”

Changing Their Behaviour

That led us to discuss what she might do to prompt a change in their behaviour.

We discussed how important it was for her to clarify her intent and be clear what she wanted… and check that what she wanted was wise.  That is, that it would bring her the benefits she wanted without unpleasant side-effects.  You see, that’s what had happened with her “no surprises” edict – she got something she didn’t want –too much information – as well as no surprises.

Then we discussed how to tell her colleagues what she wanted from them, making sure she included emotional content – perhaps her feelings about being overloaded.  She realised that if she included her feelings, her colleagues were more likely to see her as a real person, empathise with her and adjust their behaviour.  For one of the many problems CEOs face is that people don’t see them as real flesh and blood human beings with their own hopes, fears and aspirations.  This is very common, I find.

Hidden Mental Model

Intellectually, she knew what she had to do, but there was a mental barrier.  She asked, “In trying to change their behaviour towards me, isn’t this manipulation?”

There was something about the way she said “manipulation” that suggested she was judging it negatively.  On querying it, she did indeed feel badly about manipulation.  We learned that in her mind she held a model, a continuum, with influence at the “good end” and manipulation at the “bad end”, like this:

The trouble was, she couldn’t distinguish between “influence” and “manipulation” and this was inhibiting her from asserting herself and telling her colleagues how she wanted them to behave towards her regarding information.

Cleaning Up The Mental Model

As we talked it through, she managed to distinguish between influence and manipulation as follows:

Armed with this distinction, she felt ready to express what she wanted from her colleagues with a clear intent, while revealing how “information overload” affected her emotionally and making sure they didn’t flip too far the other way.

This “influence versus manipulation” block is something I suspect inhibits other leaders from acting assertively.  I hope in telling this story that some readers will feel they can break out of their self-created mental prisons and be the leaders they want to be.