A Leader’s Guide to Emotional Intelligence (Part 3)

In part 1, we saw that Daniel Goleman’s model of Emotional Intelligence (EQ), has five dimensions.  All growth in a person’s emotional intelligence starts with the first dimension, Self-Awareness.  This flows into greater Empathy (the second dimension) and capacity to Self-Regulate (the third dimension) and emerges as improved Social Skills (the fourth dimension).  Motivation, the fifth dimension, provides the fuel for this growth.

In part 2, we looked at the 25 emotional competencies – the abilities anyone can learn to lead themselves and others to better effect.  Reviewing them gives you the chance to see your strengths and weaknesses and decide where you want to improve.

In part 3, we look at how you can grow your emotional intelligence and I offer some practical tips for developing your emotional competencies at work.  I’ve organised them by the five dimensions of Emotional Intelligence: Self-Awareness, Self-Regulation, Motivation, Empathy and Social Skills. 

Self-Awareness

TIP #1, Practise noticing your emotions: Twice a day, for perhaps a month, ask yourself: what am I feeling right now?  Be specific.  Name it.  Don’t accept “nothing” as an answer, because feelings are ever-present, even a feeling of serenity or numbness.  Ask yourself: what are they telling me?

TIP #2, Meditate: Learn to meditate.  This will enable you to learn to stand above your emotions and watch them more easily.  Here’s a tool to guide you in practising the form of meditation I recommend above all – mindfulness meditation.  Follow this link and download tool #5 on the list: mindfulness meditation tool for leaders.

TIP #3, Look out for limiting beliefs: Whenever you feel your sense of peace or joy has been disturbed, ask yourself, “What is it I believe about myself that’s led to this emotional state?”  Because as the Cognitive Behavioural school of psychology shows us, behind every emotion there is a belief.  And behind every negative emotion affecting our self-esteem is a limiting belief around our self-identity.  Finding, challenging, dissolving and replacing these beliefs is a key to living a happier, more effective life.

Self-Regulation

TIP #4, Disidentification: A key practice of psychosynthesis, a modern psychology.  This will teach you that you are not your beliefs, nor your emotions, thus reducing their automatic power over you and increasing your choice over how to respond to events.  You can read more about the practice of disidentification on pages 193-197 of The Three Levels of Leadership: How to Develop Your Leadership Presence, Knowhow and Skill by James Scouller. 

TIP #5, Connect with your breathing: At moments of great tension and emotion we can get caught up in the contents of a situation and forget our sense of self.  By focusing your attention on your breathing for 5-10 seconds you can re-centre yourself.

Motivation

TIP #6, Write your goals down: And look at them every day or two to keep them at the front of your mind.

TIP #7, Know your values: Your values are the mould on which sit your most motivating goals.  Spend time on understanding them and ensure that your goals reflect your higher values.  That way you’ll ensure you pick motivating goals.

TIP #8, Affirmations: Use the power of the spoken word to repeat an affirmation that supports your goal daily, at least 9 times, ideally for several months.  Many websites on the Internet guide you on how to compose effective affirmations.

Empathy

TIP #9, Put yourself in their shoes: Literally move to another chair or part of the room and play the other person as though you were an actor in a role.  If you can, do this in private with somebody else playing you, and see what you learn from the dialogue between you.

TIP #10, Notice how they speak: Pay close attention not only to what the other person says, but how they say it.  Note the words and tone they use.  Consider what this tells you about their feelings and needs.

Social Skills

TIP #11, Know your intent: Whenever you interact with someone, get into the habit of being clear about your intended outcome.  Practised continuously, this will have a powerful effect on your relational effectiveness.

TIP #12, Match body language: Although you don’t want to overdo it, it’s true that people in rapport usually mirror each others’ stances and gestures.

That concludes my quick guide to Emotional Intelligence.  I hope it’s been useful to you.